i don't know how many people believe i'm avoiding them,but I am really not trying to.
I actually don't know what's going on with me lately...but for the first time in my life I feel as if I am just beginning to be liberated from everything that I feel has constricted me to a certain rountine or perspective. ha, for the most part...self constriction
It's not that I don't care what everyone is thinking lately,but finally how i feel matters to me.
i hate having that feeling that something feels great, amazing...right. But that fear that it's bad for me at the moment gets in the way of the good things about it. the fear of being let go perhaps? or being not enough of a satisfaction for someone you care about is always a disappointment,right? I want to be enough where you don't have to look anywhere else and that's the only way i would share my entire being with someone.
" i don't want to stop...i don't give a damn what they think. i want you now or this present moment." haha, sounds bad when you put in such a blunt matter,but that's how i feel about many things lately.
And at the same time, i am enjoying that freedom of just worrying about myself daily instead of what people expect of me. It's refreshing in some peculiar way.
i'm changing and i feel the change...i'm not new it's just a new me that the public just hasn't gotten a real taste of. I'm just more open with my feelings to the point i am a bit more outgoing and prob more of an asshole,haha.
And I am really proud of myself that I am trying to map out what I want to do with my life in the near future- in a mental, spiritual, physical, and career wise mannerism.
by the way, life seems to be moving pretty fast these days and i can't wait to have a break from schoo & the rest of my worriesl...soon. But is it really a break or will i fall back into old ways and habits?
i hope not.so much has happen in the past few months...good and bad. i wonder what's next...
"the closest to heaven that i'll ever be and i don't want to go home right now...& i don't want the world to see because I don't think that they'll understand. when everything is meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am."~Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
sry, it's just Iris was my favorite song when i was in middle school,but it makes much sense right now how I have been thinking lately.
wait,i'm not sorry.
Creator of wwww.fromgirltogirl.com shares her daily life happenings and lessons!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
letter i wrote to Anthony jan 2009
So, is it bad if I start just letting life go as it chooses to go? I am starting to accept that I have no remote control over my final destination...and it is more refreshing than scary. I just do what I set my mind to do, because I don't care about how I get there. I know, stick to being a good person because it's not about the reward or no reward, but about being purely good to be good. You always tell me that,but good people seem to finish last. I still believe good people finish last in this lifetime,but maybe beyond this world the rules are reversed. I despise asshole people. I seem to think about you everday and I wrote a feature article on you for some media class.I think it's one of the most beautiful things I have ever written about anything or anyone. It still needs some touching up to do but it's cool.
Anyways, I am going through changes again- i wonder where I'll be in the next few months. New Job, new place to call home, finally declaring a major. eh.
Oh, I met this intriguing young man down here- I think you would like him. He is very bright and fun to be around. He spits out random facts like you do...i think that's why i enjoy his company. He reminds me of you in some manners-but no one compares to you. Except, he is like a limbo friend. Sometimes he seems like a friend and other times he seems like he is falling for me. I mean, who wouldn't? haha...just kidding. But i think you would approve of him. I just don't know where I want to stand with him,but he treats me like I believe a man should treat a woman- respect, honesty and kindness. And I know guys think with their, ya know...he isn't an exception, but he still caters to the things that seemed to be missing in my previous endeavor with someone. That guy just wanted my body. Jesse seems to want all of me and that makes me want to make effort to like him for more than a friend...but if that's meant to happen it will?
I was walking from an outing with him back to my place and i must have had this dorky smile on my face because this random asian woman was like " why are you smiling...there is no one there," and she laughed and smiled at me. And i was like...huh, and I was happy because I was with him? nah...because I still like that asshole who doesn't want me back because he doesn't know how to be in a caring, loving atmosphere of dating. I wish one day that butt hole realized I would be there for him. But some things don't change and I can't stop my life for it. I have some big ideas i want to get to and school needs to hurry up. I am going to try to graduate earlier than expected. I have better ideas to toy with than sit in a classroom all day, on the real. However, Jesse seems like he will be a great friend- i have nothing to hide from him and I like that very much.
anyways, chrissy wants guy advice too, so ask the higher up for her? i don't need any help...i am content figuring out myself for now.
mom is okay...she really misses you. her facebook has you all over it. dad misses you too...he takes it more personal though. i have to check on jb...he is so quiet. But he is supposely visiting me soon. I love my lil family. Yes, you are my lil family and i expect no one but you to meet me when I get to the other side. I know I am safe when you're around. So, I'll be sure to find you soon enough. Love you. And yes, my life is still like that song Layla. And Yes, I really finally believe in God. Something made me realize that there is proof everywhere and I was too blind to see it before. I'll talk about it later though. Gotta go to bed...school tomorrow. hmm.
Anyways, I am going through changes again- i wonder where I'll be in the next few months. New Job, new place to call home, finally declaring a major. eh.
Oh, I met this intriguing young man down here- I think you would like him. He is very bright and fun to be around. He spits out random facts like you do...i think that's why i enjoy his company. He reminds me of you in some manners-but no one compares to you. Except, he is like a limbo friend. Sometimes he seems like a friend and other times he seems like he is falling for me. I mean, who wouldn't? haha...just kidding. But i think you would approve of him. I just don't know where I want to stand with him,but he treats me like I believe a man should treat a woman- respect, honesty and kindness. And I know guys think with their, ya know...he isn't an exception, but he still caters to the things that seemed to be missing in my previous endeavor with someone. That guy just wanted my body. Jesse seems to want all of me and that makes me want to make effort to like him for more than a friend...but if that's meant to happen it will?
I was walking from an outing with him back to my place and i must have had this dorky smile on my face because this random asian woman was like " why are you smiling...there is no one there," and she laughed and smiled at me. And i was like...huh, and I was happy because I was with him? nah...because I still like that asshole who doesn't want me back because he doesn't know how to be in a caring, loving atmosphere of dating. I wish one day that butt hole realized I would be there for him. But some things don't change and I can't stop my life for it. I have some big ideas i want to get to and school needs to hurry up. I am going to try to graduate earlier than expected. I have better ideas to toy with than sit in a classroom all day, on the real. However, Jesse seems like he will be a great friend- i have nothing to hide from him and I like that very much.
anyways, chrissy wants guy advice too, so ask the higher up for her? i don't need any help...i am content figuring out myself for now.
mom is okay...she really misses you. her facebook has you all over it. dad misses you too...he takes it more personal though. i have to check on jb...he is so quiet. But he is supposely visiting me soon. I love my lil family. Yes, you are my lil family and i expect no one but you to meet me when I get to the other side. I know I am safe when you're around. So, I'll be sure to find you soon enough. Love you. And yes, my life is still like that song Layla. And Yes, I really finally believe in God. Something made me realize that there is proof everywhere and I was too blind to see it before. I'll talk about it later though. Gotta go to bed...school tomorrow. hmm.
angry journals i have found that i wrote.
July 29,2008
yeah, again...i don't understand life. I don't understand why good people suffer and it seems jackass people go untouched.
for example, my brother is laying in the hospital because of things we can't control.
however, this jackass that i was dealing with bitch, whines and complains...has a bitchass attitude 24/7 and sometimes...the evil me wonders why nothing bad happens to him. He goes " i have my own problems to deal with," when even if we have problems he said he was/ is friends with my brother and should be a supportive friend not for me but my brother. And if you're wondering why we have issues- it's because he has a constant attitude and it's so immature and for petty reasons. no one wants to be or sleep with someone who gets mad when they don't have things exactly his or her way. you're 25 and act like a 12yr and even rebound girls are going to get fed up with that-but i am the bad guy when i speak the truth. And I am suppose to stay away until you get over me. sounds like another dumb plan of yours.
and yeah, i can be an asshole sometimes,but i am only like that after people mistreat me or step on my toes. I may be young and weigh a lil over 100 but i am no pushover. and i rather die standing than on my knees. point blank( my new favorite word).
life is strange though...but i still remain to hold a smile on my face. not because i am happy but because even when life sucks ass...i still know i'm alive and I'll survive,usually when bullshit happens i find a way to make it. and i remember being a lil girl i wanted to grow up so fast- but being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. I now find the happiest i ever have been in life was when i was a lil girl...about late elementary to early middle school age.
And i must say it's hard to grow up.
And i know i get a lil distant sometimes- like i need a break from everything...but i still remain to love my family and friends. I'd do anything for them...well my close friends and family. But i have learned the closer i get to people i fear losing them or getting hurt by the people i hope to least expect to hurt me-but sometimes that's inevitable and it's not fair to not trust people just because people have hurt you before.
And then it's my issue with God. I use to believe there was no place for me in this world. no reason to live- except to do bullshit standard things. money doesn't mean anything to me and i only pursue it in the belief it will help the people i love be more happy.
sometimes i wonder why things happen and cry to myself( i prefer to do than let people see me cry). And then i asked why things i loved most were being taken away from me,constantly.
People tell me never to question God. But I do question life and i don't believe anything is wrong with questioning.If no one questioned things where would we be? still believing the world is flat. Still having Nazi People killing people for no reason. Still having people eat and drink at different places based on the pigmentation of one's skin.
And the night I asked God or whomever I pretain to question and ask for help for why bullshit seems to follow my family and others I love. And the weirdest thing happen july the 12th 2008, 9:00pm my green Bible, that i got the day I graduated highschool...Gold inscription of my name fell open and it opened up to psalms...i forget what page but i had it as my facebook status awhile ago.
It stated to let go of worries and have faith in God and all adversaries will be confused and shocked when they believe they have brought you down God will find a way to help you out and not give up.
It's the reason I don't cry when I see my brother in the hospital because i have set my faith in him. Blind faith,but it's still faith.
I hold faith that moving to d.c won't be an mistake. I mean,baltimore is okay...maybe come back here to start a family or something because Maryland seems like a nice place to raise up a lil family...but i hope that's a way from now. Yes, i wouldn't mind a family one day- when i meet a go-getter, non crybaby guy, smart, a good sense of humor, not a whore... all that good stuff.
right now i am just motivated to make some young money, until i sweat money...360. and i seat and brainstorm about it. it would sure make life a lil bit comfortable,but it's not exactly happiness.
But anyways, it seems everyone has their own bs to deal with-someway,somehow.
But on the bright side of things...i am getting better at controlling my anger.
I laugh at cnn black america- and wonder why people are so fascinated by black people.
and why white people don't get why black people are so angry.
i don't even hate people by groupings anymore because if i did i would hate alot of people.
I would hate black men...but not all are jackasses or punkass crybabies.
Not all white people are selfish scavengers destroying the world.
Not all people are annoying religious fanatics.
not all women are whores.
not all rich people are bad.
not all poor people are a waste of life.
not all cats are evil.
not all children are brats.
not all people are emo.
you just have to see people for whom they are-one person at a time. and that's a task in itself.
But anways...here i'll predict some stuff:
in a couple of yrs baltimore will be the baltimore it use to be-"what white fleet? we want our city back,"
the month of november there's going to be a huge riot whether it swings one way or another.
i am still going to say asshole things and search for the truth.
i'm still going to think it's funny.
and i still will remain to say kick my ass to anyone who doesn't like what i do, say, or whom i spend my time with.
and the innocent are still going to perish in this corrupted world.
BUT WITH THAT SAID...don't forget to smile. it's cold,but this is life. and no, nobody has to be a jackass...we choose to be. Yet, life's still sweet at its basic form. And yes, i still believe i'm unique and you'll never meet anyone remotely like me.
yes, honesty is harsh but it's the best way to be...saves alot bullshit later.
yeah, again...i don't understand life. I don't understand why good people suffer and it seems jackass people go untouched.
for example, my brother is laying in the hospital because of things we can't control.
however, this jackass that i was dealing with bitch, whines and complains...has a bitchass attitude 24/7 and sometimes...the evil me wonders why nothing bad happens to him. He goes " i have my own problems to deal with," when even if we have problems he said he was/ is friends with my brother and should be a supportive friend not for me but my brother. And if you're wondering why we have issues- it's because he has a constant attitude and it's so immature and for petty reasons. no one wants to be or sleep with someone who gets mad when they don't have things exactly his or her way. you're 25 and act like a 12yr and even rebound girls are going to get fed up with that-but i am the bad guy when i speak the truth. And I am suppose to stay away until you get over me. sounds like another dumb plan of yours.
and yeah, i can be an asshole sometimes,but i am only like that after people mistreat me or step on my toes. I may be young and weigh a lil over 100 but i am no pushover. and i rather die standing than on my knees. point blank( my new favorite word).
life is strange though...but i still remain to hold a smile on my face. not because i am happy but because even when life sucks ass...i still know i'm alive and I'll survive,usually when bullshit happens i find a way to make it. and i remember being a lil girl i wanted to grow up so fast- but being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. I now find the happiest i ever have been in life was when i was a lil girl...about late elementary to early middle school age.
And i must say it's hard to grow up.
And i know i get a lil distant sometimes- like i need a break from everything...but i still remain to love my family and friends. I'd do anything for them...well my close friends and family. But i have learned the closer i get to people i fear losing them or getting hurt by the people i hope to least expect to hurt me-but sometimes that's inevitable and it's not fair to not trust people just because people have hurt you before.
And then it's my issue with God. I use to believe there was no place for me in this world. no reason to live- except to do bullshit standard things. money doesn't mean anything to me and i only pursue it in the belief it will help the people i love be more happy.
sometimes i wonder why things happen and cry to myself( i prefer to do than let people see me cry). And then i asked why things i loved most were being taken away from me,constantly.
People tell me never to question God. But I do question life and i don't believe anything is wrong with questioning.If no one questioned things where would we be? still believing the world is flat. Still having Nazi People killing people for no reason. Still having people eat and drink at different places based on the pigmentation of one's skin.
And the night I asked God or whomever I pretain to question and ask for help for why bullshit seems to follow my family and others I love. And the weirdest thing happen july the 12th 2008, 9:00pm my green Bible, that i got the day I graduated highschool...Gold inscription of my name fell open and it opened up to psalms...i forget what page but i had it as my facebook status awhile ago.
It stated to let go of worries and have faith in God and all adversaries will be confused and shocked when they believe they have brought you down God will find a way to help you out and not give up.
It's the reason I don't cry when I see my brother in the hospital because i have set my faith in him. Blind faith,but it's still faith.
I hold faith that moving to d.c won't be an mistake. I mean,baltimore is okay...maybe come back here to start a family or something because Maryland seems like a nice place to raise up a lil family...but i hope that's a way from now. Yes, i wouldn't mind a family one day- when i meet a go-getter, non crybaby guy, smart, a good sense of humor, not a whore... all that good stuff.
right now i am just motivated to make some young money, until i sweat money...360. and i seat and brainstorm about it. it would sure make life a lil bit comfortable,but it's not exactly happiness.
But anyways, it seems everyone has their own bs to deal with-someway,somehow.
But on the bright side of things...i am getting better at controlling my anger.
I laugh at cnn black america- and wonder why people are so fascinated by black people.
and why white people don't get why black people are so angry.
i don't even hate people by groupings anymore because if i did i would hate alot of people.
I would hate black men...but not all are jackasses or punkass crybabies.
Not all white people are selfish scavengers destroying the world.
Not all people are annoying religious fanatics.
not all women are whores.
not all rich people are bad.
not all poor people are a waste of life.
not all cats are evil.
not all children are brats.
not all people are emo.
you just have to see people for whom they are-one person at a time. and that's a task in itself.
But anways...here i'll predict some stuff:
in a couple of yrs baltimore will be the baltimore it use to be-"what white fleet? we want our city back,"
the month of november there's going to be a huge riot whether it swings one way or another.
i am still going to say asshole things and search for the truth.
i'm still going to think it's funny.
and i still will remain to say kick my ass to anyone who doesn't like what i do, say, or whom i spend my time with.
and the innocent are still going to perish in this corrupted world.
BUT WITH THAT SAID...don't forget to smile. it's cold,but this is life. and no, nobody has to be a jackass...we choose to be. Yet, life's still sweet at its basic form. And yes, i still believe i'm unique and you'll never meet anyone remotely like me.
yes, honesty is harsh but it's the best way to be...saves alot bullshit later.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mission Jazz Band( members wanted)!
- Looking for vocal jazz band ( includes instrumentals and two main singers/ 4( two of each gender) background singers). I will be one of the main singers. I like a male singer as the other vocal.
- I need a pianist( fluent in jazz chord progressions).
- A drummer ( able to keep a steady beat and still be able to play quite fast).
- two guitarists ( one should definitely be able to solo. read real notes, not just tabs. enjoys playing acoustic and electric guitar).
- Bassist= able to provide a solid foundation over what we play.
- Trumpet player=good tone and should know how to do trills and vibrato.
- clarinet player= if i could get ahold of a decent one i would be happy forever.
- saxophonists = VERY IMPORTANT. I NEED A TENOR SAX AND AN ALTO SAX. i MIGHT NEED A BARITONE SAX PLAYER ALSO.
- genre: mostly jazz fusion, vocal jazz and cool jazz.
- group PRACTICE= on fridays, sats or sundays. not necessarily all days or every week.
- song writers are accepted also!
- it's just for fun! Esp. if you're in the d.c. area. this place needs some spice to it.
my first college article 10/24/07
http://media.www.ndmcolumns.com/media/storage/paper787/news/2007/10/24/Features/Dr.Schaubs.Movie.Mitzi.And.Mencken-3063395.shtml
Dr. Schaub's movie Mitzi and Mencken
Four years of intensive research and production craft a success
Briana Booker
Issue date: 10/24/07 Section: Features
- Page 1 of 1
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College of Notre Dame of Maryland campus is quiet, but within its walls there's a creative student body and faculty. One very creative and interesting character within the school walls is Dr. Joseph Schaub. He is an associate professor of communication arts who conducts classes on film and media but he is also known for his own creations.
Schaub's short films are experimental documentaries, or as he likes to call them, "creative non-fiction," which is an art technique of taking a true story and then presenting it in a creative way. His favorite method of presenting the story is through animation. He became very interested in this form of art at the early age of 12, when his grandmother introduced him to oil painting and sketching. "I saw the world as art, and wanted to be involved in making something others could see and react to ,"Schaub says.
But the best thing about creating short films according to Schaub is the process of editing together materials that lack connections with each other and use these elements to work harmoniously together. An example of how he creates this film magic can be seen in his short film called Mitzi and Mencken, which is a 14 minute film telling the story of an elderly woman reflecting back on her youth and on her political activism. It centers around when Mitzi was 17- years- old and got arrested for participating at an interracial tennis match.
The telling of the story blends Alche Mencken, a well known reporter of the Baltimore Sun's life with hers on the account her story was his last written work before a stroke prevented him from ever writing again. This film took four years between the summer of 2003 to 2007 to be created.
Other works of Schaub are Tangerine Crows, an animation film, and Waves of Pure Lemon, about a 70- year -old woman who describes her admiration for the author Virginia Wolfe, but becomes crushed at discovering that Wolfe committed suicide since she read her books for inspiration. He says film is a great way to touch people emotionally and in adding a poetic way.
He advises anyone who wants to get into film to decide if they want to do it simply for money or for artistic rewards. Schaub also promotes students to post their art at festivals, YouTube; a Web site for video and audio file sharing, and anywhere else possible because Schaub says short, animated films are generally a new medium that is in need of exploration.
they say life is what you make it.
21. lost. confused. looking for a purpose. It's me in a nutshell right now. One minute I think I know exactly what's going on and the next minute I am confused as hell. I don't know what I'm to expect next and sometimes i guess that's okay. I spent my birthday thinking about my life. Time goes by so fast. I would have never thought a year ago I would have my first birthday without my brother. We share every birthday together. On his birthday I went with his friends to a Japanese restaurant thinking how cool my brother was in his days here on earth. For some reason sober couldn't eat his rice(my brother loved rice), I wasn't able to drink at the restaurant because i wasn't 21 yet( my brother did not want me to drink on my 21st birthday, haha. He told me a year ago. I wasn't able to drink on his or my birthday). I miss him but I do believe this place called life and the universe has many twist and turns. I'm not afraid to die anymore just because I know my brother has already died. I feel if there is something beyond this place he'll be there to welcome me. I use to be terrified to die. Now, I know it is something that will happen and I should learn to find peace and God. Then, take my last breathe with dignity.
On a happier note, I think i am going to minor in justice instead of spanish, in addition to my major. Wish me luck! Also, the guy i call my lobster...we're trying to work things out. I know trust and a few things between us need working on but I am willing to work us out. I love him.
So, it's summer and I'm still here. Ready to learn. Ready to get paid 360. And ready to make my dreams realities. I'm not getting any younger so I better start making progress. I'd like to be rich at least once this lifetime. :-P
Oh, and to start on my new outlook on life...i'm cutting my moss-like hair. Watch out Ms. H Berry...there's a new short haired divah in the house.
By the way, I watched Oprah's interview with Elizabeth Edwards and I agree with this remark:
"I blame John, but of course I – women need to have more respect for other women...I have created this life. This is a life I have put together. It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family, and you spend a lot of time trying to do that, and you can't just say, "I like the way that looks,' and knock on the door and say, "I'm in, you're out.'...Don't just come in and take somebody else's life.''
women need to stop wanting what other women have worked hard to create and keep stable. I hate women who cheat with married men because they want that lifestyle. HE WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU THE WAY YOU THINK. IF HE CHEATS ON HIS PRESENT WIFE WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WILL DO WITH YOU?! UMMMM, CHEAT. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
it makes me ashamed to be a woman sometimes. Get your own...why are you riding mines? It's from a lil kim song. I'd knock my cheating husband and his ho's out as while. I hate when men think with their penises. However, they say guys can't help it...right.
On a happier note, I think i am going to minor in justice instead of spanish, in addition to my major. Wish me luck! Also, the guy i call my lobster...we're trying to work things out. I know trust and a few things between us need working on but I am willing to work us out. I love him.
So, it's summer and I'm still here. Ready to learn. Ready to get paid 360. And ready to make my dreams realities. I'm not getting any younger so I better start making progress. I'd like to be rich at least once this lifetime. :-P
Oh, and to start on my new outlook on life...i'm cutting my moss-like hair. Watch out Ms. H Berry...there's a new short haired divah in the house.
By the way, I watched Oprah's interview with Elizabeth Edwards and I agree with this remark:
"I blame John, but of course I – women need to have more respect for other women...I have created this life. This is a life I have put together. It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family, and you spend a lot of time trying to do that, and you can't just say, "I like the way that looks,' and knock on the door and say, "I'm in, you're out.'...Don't just come in and take somebody else's life.''
women need to stop wanting what other women have worked hard to create and keep stable. I hate women who cheat with married men because they want that lifestyle. HE WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU THE WAY YOU THINK. IF HE CHEATS ON HIS PRESENT WIFE WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WILL DO WITH YOU?! UMMMM, CHEAT. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
it makes me ashamed to be a woman sometimes. Get your own...why are you riding mines? It's from a lil kim song. I'd knock my cheating husband and his ho's out as while. I hate when men think with their penises. However, they say guys can't help it...right.
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