angry journals i have found that i wrote.

July 29,2008

yeah, again...i don't understand life. I don't understand why good people suffer and it seems jackass people go untouched.

for example, my brother is laying in the hospital because of things we can't control.
however, this jackass that i was dealing with bitch, whines and complains...has a bitchass attitude 24/7 and sometimes...the evil me wonders why nothing bad happens to him. He goes " i have my own problems to deal with," when even if we have problems he said he was/ is friends with my brother and should be a supportive friend not for me but my brother. And if you're wondering why we have issues- it's because he has a constant attitude and it's so immature and for petty reasons. no one wants to be or sleep with someone who gets mad when they don't have things exactly his or her way. you're 25 and act like a 12yr and even rebound girls are going to get fed up with that-but i am the bad guy when i speak the truth. And I am suppose to stay away until you get over me. sounds like another dumb plan of yours.

and yeah, i can be an asshole sometimes,but i am only like that after people mistreat me or step on my toes. I may be young and weigh a lil over 100 but i am no pushover. and i rather die standing than on my knees. point blank( my new favorite word).

life is strange though...but i still remain to hold a smile on my face. not because i am happy but because even when life sucks ass...i still know i'm alive and I'll survive,usually when bullshit happens i find a way to make it. and i remember being a lil girl i wanted to grow up so fast- but being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. I now find the happiest i ever have been in life was when i was a lil girl...about late elementary to early middle school age.

And i must say it's hard to grow up.

And i know i get a lil distant sometimes- like i need a break from everything...but i still remain to love my family and friends. I'd do anything for them...well my close friends and family. But i have learned the closer i get to people i fear losing them or getting hurt by the people i hope to least expect to hurt me-but sometimes that's inevitable and it's not fair to not trust people just because people have hurt you before.

And then it's my issue with God. I use to believe there was no place for me in this world. no reason to live- except to do bullshit standard things. money doesn't mean anything to me and i only pursue it in the belief it will help the people i love be more happy.

sometimes i wonder why things happen and cry to myself( i prefer to do than let people see me cry). And then i asked why things i loved most were being taken away from me,constantly.

People tell me never to question God. But I do question life and i don't believe anything is wrong with questioning.If no one questioned things where would we be? still believing the world is flat. Still having Nazi People killing people for no reason. Still having people eat and drink at different places based on the pigmentation of one's skin.

And the night I asked God or whomever I pretain to question and ask for help for why bullshit seems to follow my family and others I love. And the weirdest thing happen july the 12th 2008, 9:00pm my green Bible, that i got the day I graduated highschool...Gold inscription of my name fell open and it opened up to psalms...i forget what page but i had it as my facebook status awhile ago.

It stated to let go of worries and have faith in God and all adversaries will be confused and shocked when they believe they have brought you down God will find a way to help you out and not give up.

It's the reason I don't cry when I see my brother in the hospital because i have set my faith in him. Blind faith,but it's still faith.

I hold faith that moving to d.c won't be an mistake. I mean,baltimore is okay...maybe come back here to start a family or something because Maryland seems like a nice place to raise up a lil family...but i hope that's a way from now. Yes, i wouldn't mind a family one day- when i meet a go-getter, non crybaby guy, smart, a good sense of humor, not a whore... all that good stuff.

right now i am just motivated to make some young money, until i sweat money...360. and i seat and brainstorm about it. it would sure make life a lil bit comfortable,but it's not exactly happiness.

But anyways, it seems everyone has their own bs to deal with-someway,somehow.

But on the bright side of things...i am getting better at controlling my anger.
I laugh at cnn black america- and wonder why people are so fascinated by black people.
and why white people don't get why black people are so angry.
i don't even hate people by groupings anymore because if i did i would hate alot of people.

I would hate black men...but not all are jackasses or punkass crybabies.
Not all white people are selfish scavengers destroying the world.
Not all people are annoying religious fanatics.
not all women are whores.
not all rich people are bad.
not all poor people are a waste of life.
not all cats are evil.
not all children are brats.
not all people are emo.

you just have to see people for whom they are-one person at a time. and that's a task in itself.

But anways...here i'll predict some stuff:
in a couple of yrs baltimore will be the baltimore it use to be-"what white fleet? we want our city back,"

the month of november there's going to be a huge riot whether it swings one way or another.

i am still going to say asshole things and search for the truth.

i'm still going to think it's funny.

and i still will remain to say kick my ass to anyone who doesn't like what i do, say, or whom i spend my time with.

and the innocent are still going to perish in this corrupted world.

BUT WITH THAT SAID...don't forget to smile. it's cold,but this is life. and no, nobody has to be a jackass...we choose to be. Yet, life's still sweet at its basic form. And yes, i still believe i'm unique and you'll never meet anyone remotely like me.

yes, honesty is harsh but it's the best way to be...saves alot bullshit later.