letter i wrote to Anthony jan 2009

So, is it bad if I start just letting life go as it chooses to go? I am starting to accept that I have no remote control over my final destination...and it is more refreshing than scary. I just do what I set my mind to do, because I don't care about how I get there. I know, stick to being a good person because it's not about the reward or no reward, but about being purely good to be good. You always tell me that,but good people seem to finish last. I still believe good people finish last in this lifetime,but maybe beyond this world the rules are reversed. I despise asshole people. I seem to think about you everday and I wrote a feature article on you for some media class.I think it's one of the most beautiful things I have ever written about anything or anyone. It still needs some touching up to do but it's cool.

Anyways, I am going through changes again- i wonder where I'll be in the next few months. New Job, new place to call home, finally declaring a major. eh.

Oh, I met this intriguing young man down here- I think you would like him. He is very bright and fun to be around. He spits out random facts like you do...i think that's why i enjoy his company. He reminds me of you in some manners-but no one compares to you. Except, he is like a limbo friend. Sometimes he seems like a friend and other times he seems like he is falling for me. I mean, who wouldn't? haha...just kidding. But i think you would approve of him. I just don't know where I want to stand with him,but he treats me like I believe a man should treat a woman- respect, honesty and kindness. And I know guys think with their, ya know...he isn't an exception, but he still caters to the things that seemed to be missing in my previous endeavor with someone. That guy just wanted my body. Jesse seems to want all of me and that makes me want to make effort to like him for more than a friend...but if that's meant to happen it will?

I was walking from an outing with him back to my place and i must have had this dorky smile on my face because this random asian woman was like " why are you smiling...there is no one there," and she laughed and smiled at me. And i was like...huh, and I was happy because I was with him? nah...because I still like that asshole who doesn't want me back because he doesn't know how to be in a caring, loving atmosphere of dating. I wish one day that butt hole realized I would be there for him. But some things don't change and I can't stop my life for it. I have some big ideas i want to get to and school needs to hurry up. I am going to try to graduate earlier than expected. I have better ideas to toy with than sit in a classroom all day, on the real. However, Jesse seems like he will be a great friend- i have nothing to hide from him and I like that very much.

anyways, chrissy wants guy advice too, so ask the higher up for her? i don't need any help...i am content figuring out myself for now.

mom is okay...she really misses you. her facebook has you all over it. dad misses you too...he takes it more personal though. i have to check on jb...he is so quiet. But he is supposely visiting me soon. I love my lil family. Yes, you are my lil family and i expect no one but you to meet me when I get to the other side. I know I am safe when you're around. So, I'll be sure to find you soon enough. Love you. And yes, my life is still like that song Layla. And Yes, I really finally believe in God. Something made me realize that there is proof everywhere and I was too blind to see it before. I'll talk about it later though. Gotta go to bed...school tomorrow. hmm.