Colors of the Wind

I have learn to realize that it's true of the saying 'we too shall pass'. I think about my brother Anthony everyday and our childhood. I miss him so much and it has been so hard to make myself live without him. I went to a new school, city, and still the sadness of bmore always reminds me things will never e the same. A few months after Anthony passed away, I am about to rest my dog Magic. I have noticed nearing death things are reversing where we started from, vulnerable.

I can figure life out. You work so hard to get to a point in life and then it is snatched away in the blink of an eye. I am still young but I don't feel the energy I once had in life and my health is not the best these days. I was worrying about having an std from my ex yesterday visiting the gyno, but I have other worries like my Thyroid hindering some of my vital organs. I just can't win,but when the going gets tough the tough gets going. I am tough. But this morning I thought of a beautiful song I loved during my child which is Pocahontas Colors of the wind. I have never been trained professionally to sing,but some gifts come within. I can sing whenever and I love it. My passion is jazz and R&B. So, you will be hearing more of it as this blog grows.


Why did I makea blog? Actually to promote getting roomies and a JOB for college in D.C. but I might as well make people think while I am writing about things. I will write about love, thoughts, violence...anything. I am very blunt so if you can't take my thoughts or words...stay out my kitchen. If you can, spit them back at me. I love a challenge...esp one of logic of some sort.


Here is something I wrote when my brother had died in late August( I'll talk about that later):

If you feel hurt-fear not, my love is in good hands.

well, if you're reading this you know what I am referring to,and if you don't- you'll find out soon enough.

Some have told me-curse God. Some have told me keep the faith. I listen to neither and follow what I know is true- God is real. And no, I didn't always know this,but I know it's something you find out when it's time to know and isn't given to you.

And yes, I feel hurt,but not for the reason you may think. I feel hurt because I don't want to share my beautiful one with anyone. But he is too beautiful to not share-inside and out. This body is just a shell,but my baby's soul is what makes him the person He has always been.

Never cared about the pointless stuff we worry about constantly-He just took life as it is and never made it more or less than what was absolute. I have always admired him and I will remain to. My love is a thinker and selfless-ha traits I try to aim for always,but haven't mastered.

Ha, and he could teach himself anything from Hebrew to musical instruments. And He never cease to help someone else. ha, and he never asked for help- He goes" I am okay." I got this mom. "Bree...stop being an assclown."

ha,I told him we get through this and maybe the through isn't the way I depicted it,but my Anthony never stops loving and He taught me to love and not to hate. He told me not to give up.

We watched 300 two weeks ago and my naive personality stated " why are we watching a movie where we know the spartans wil lose?"

And my brother told me " It's not about winning or losing but the determination to fight for what matters to you,"

My brother has always been determine...something I try to do now. I use to be lazy and just give up when things got too hard but my Man told me to do otherwise.

I was devastated today,because I wanted so badly to have him here. The ride to school was hard and I cried- not because I was worry. I knew he is in good hands,but because that's my heart. 3 years and a day apart. Left-handed. glasses. ha, interesting perspectives at life. ha,but you should avoid getting us mad- but sweet as can be otherwise.

It was raining and I was upset- stuck in d.c traffic,alone in the car. People might think I am crazy- but I talked to him. He told me he was just fine- he didn't have glasses on and he was healthy. He told me He was here- just not the way I can comprehend. He told me they were celebrating his arrival-that's why it was raining.

I felt better because my brother said when it's time for me to come home, He'll meet me. And I believe it because my brother has never guided me wrong and he always test the waters before me.

I don't weep for him. I weep because I want my Anthony,but I know this is just a see you soon. And you should look at it that way too. Anthony wouldn't want you to be worried-ha, not his style.

Life happened quick and my baby life was young. full of potential but Anthony's soul and accomplishments are worth 10 times a life experience. And every picture I looked at I saw my baby either helping or laughing. And I know what is ever beyond this world is delighted to see him.

And I don't know when I will see him again,but I do know that if I live to have a child...I name my baby Anthony- so my blood can hold the treats I have always admired and will sustain about my brother,forever.

The pain isn't forgotten but neither are the good times- we had good times even during the rough times. And where there is love...there is God. And Love surrounded Anthony so I know in him God is very pleased.

Never caused a problem. And even after the fact- he still keeps on giving.