As I age I realize honesty is the best policy. I understand that you can't make anyone want to do something. You can't make anyone want to change. It has been one of the hardest realizations for me when it comes to the concept of love. I always wanted to be enough,but then I realized I am enough. The problems we all have in relationships come from how we perceive and hope things will be. But to smell and feel the truth takes off so much stressful weight. I wrote to someone I loved the following, hoping it would open both of our eyes. Things didn't start out picture perfect, they might not not end up picture perfect, but it was worth the try.
Inshallah, things will be fine and we can laugh about it later. It is about one of the realest things I wrote. Instead of feeling foolish or a failure, a huge weight has been taken off my chest. I feel free because I have said all the truth I can say. The truth has set me free,and the person can take it for what it is worth. I can only make myself happy and aid to another's happiness. Internal and external demons of the soul and our perception of life I believe prevents happiness to evolve. Happiness...and no worries, a great place I hope exist somewhere beyond this place where I can see it for my own eyes. Until then, my words have finally spoken for its self.
"Okay,so I know this email might be shocking but it is as honest as I will probably get. I know we have been on an off and on casual fuck buddy relationship. You know it. I know it. However, I have notice the no rules ideal concept of the casual relationship has in fact caused all the intensity and drama without any of the relationship rules. From you checking my phone, when it was just my best friend on the other line. Me wondering are you sleeping with more than just me, and you saying it shouldn't matter. Or telling me it is not. But the bigger question seems to revolve around it because of the fact you say you aren't and yet we have never started solid dating. The big puzzle for me is why or why not this has happened. Been trying to get the answer, but you are the only one that knows the true answer. I will not pass judgment but it would take a huge weight off of me feeling not good enough for you off my chest. I rather hear the truth than keep guessing and comparing myself to others.
Me contemplating and internally struggling with the concept that I must not be what you are looking for in a woman. Where did I mess up? why am I enough for sex,but not enough for company? I don't mean serious right now. I just wonder about company and hanging out( which i thought you wanted when I asked you the first night we were alone. I thought you wanted that because you said hanging out, which trigger me to say, okay we can work on having sex. I felt better having sex because I thought I wouldn't be hurt or used).
He is ashamed of me? Does he worry about an age gap? Do I not please him in bed? Why does his words and actions hurt or bother me? He never said he cared. Play cool like you always do Bree. However, It was always hard to play cool with you. I was never sure of limits or boundaries. My care-free experience to sleep with a guy i have been fantasizing sleeping with started to be a nightmare of my own creation.
It was making the no drama ideal experience anything but no drama. Never being able to express anything. Hearing you say it is not that type of relationship when I ask how are you or what are you doing today, want to hangout. Never seeing a friendly text or a surprise phone call to see how I am made me think the excitement was over. He isn't pursuing me, why not?
The rule of no one being able to say " I'm falling in love with you," and no one being able to say " You're hurting me," started to kill me inside. I started to feel ashamed at my actions and words. I was being foolish. Why should I hide how I feel? If I am into him. Why can't i say I am into him?
Instead I make goofy, overly dramatic gestures...like asking for everything I gave you back. Calling you names I don't want to call you. Comparing myself to women you might have been with...wondering why I was not getting your interest enough for you to flirt at me, call me hot. Want to hangout and see me.
You think I am too young. You think being away from me is for the best. You have told me " I am not what you want or need at the moment." I am telling you that I have accepted that there is never a "perfect time" to fall in love. There is never a perfect time to give something a serious go. There can be only a true effort and willingness to give it a chance. Be able to reach for the stars and also ready to fall on your face and dust off, if it must be. I am ready for that.
Unlike hooking up, seeking a long-term connection made me feel trapped.
I felt trapped growing up in high school and my early college years. I have always felt a bit vulnerable letting people in because those same people end up hurting me. But then, I met you and I wanted things to work out. I didn't have loose strings. I was ready for a fresh start. I get you might not have been. I understand you might have felt trapped dating people. See it as a responsibility. I am not asking for wedding bells right now. I am asking for enjoyable sex and good company.
I think right now you could use that type of joy. You work long hours and you seem exhausted. I do not think you need anything too serious at the moment. But I would like to date you( one step at a time). Show you that life can still be enjoyable. I will not crap your style. I just want you to be honest and in return I will be honest to you. Things deserve a chance though, without the suspicion and guessing games. Set small small rules(just as society must) and things will flow better. we have never set any boundaries and the free-all is making things not work too great.
For things to be enjoyable for both of us we both need to be honest and really come clean about what we want. If you want something that can be dating but not to the serious point of commitment, you need to tell me. If you need a in between you need to tell me. If want something serious, you would need to tell me as while. I can not read minds but I am willing to be flexible for things to work with us/ for us.
I understand that you may or may not want the same things I want. And I have prepared to let you go, if our differences are too great. It will never work if we can't balance things out. I feel it is better to be honest with myself and you and find out where things stand than live in casual relationship purgatory. The no rules, no meaning sex gets old. It has gotten old for me. I would like to talk and tell you where I stand. I'd like you to tell me where you stand at this moment in life...your present stature of wants and needs. I think there is no better time than now. The issue has been avoided for a longtime and it is best we just settle things. You can speak first or me. How ever you would like it. We'll go from there."
I feel free of my cage. I feel free to sing. I am not caged,but a free bird at last.
