december 8 2007: change in me

i don't know how many people believe i'm avoiding them,but I am really not trying to.

I actually don't know what's going on with me lately...but for the first time in my life I feel as if I am just beginning to be liberated from everything that I feel has constricted me to a certain rountine or perspective. ha, for the most part...self constriction

It's not that I don't care what everyone is thinking lately,but finally how i feel matters to me.

i hate having that feeling that something feels great, amazing...right. But that fear that it's bad for me at the moment gets in the way of the good things about it. the fear of being let go perhaps? or being not enough of a satisfaction for someone you care about is always a disappointment,right? I want to be enough where you don't have to look anywhere else and that's the only way i would share my entire being with someone.

" i don't want to stop...i don't give a damn what they think. i want you now or this present moment." haha, sounds bad when you put in such a blunt matter,but that's how i feel about many things lately.

And at the same time, i am enjoying that freedom of just worrying about myself daily instead of what people expect of me. It's refreshing in some peculiar way.

i'm changing and i feel the change...i'm not new it's just a new me that the public just hasn't gotten a real taste of. I'm just more open with my feelings to the point i am a bit more outgoing and prob more of an asshole,haha.

And I am really proud of myself that I am trying to map out what I want to do with my life in the near future- in a mental, spiritual, physical, and career wise mannerism.


by the way, life seems to be moving pretty fast these days and i can't wait to have a break from schoo & the rest of my worriesl...soon. But is it really a break or will i fall back into old ways and habits?

i hope not.so much has happen in the past few months...good and bad. i wonder what's next...
"the closest to heaven that i'll ever be and i don't want to go home right now...& i don't want the world to see because I don't think that they'll understand. when everything is meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am."~Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls


sry, it's just Iris was my favorite song when i was in middle school,but it makes much sense right now how I have been thinking lately.

wait,i'm not sorry.